I am out of my mind. The clock reads 4:28 and I sit naked on the couch writing in my journal and listening to Miles Davis’s ‘Kind of Blue’ on the record player to my right. It feels quite romantic, but I know myself well enough to be familiar with the scene I’m painting.
A challenged young woman, sexy and discontent in solitude. My, such a role I enjoy to play. A lazy sigh escapes my lips. I’ve been writing for at least an hour. Stream of consciousness letting my thoughts slip. Unsurprisingly, it’s very disconcerted. Sexual and frustrated. My inner kinks developing rapidly as I chased my high. Swiftly, it replaced itself with more intimate emotions. Family, self awareness, fragility…
I examine myself as best as possible from an outer perspective. I take relief in an opportunity to flip the record. A blessing from another time.
Jazz always makes me think of Clinton. Man, he was such a wet towel, but so beautiful in so many ways. I still want to show him love in the way he deserves to see. I don’t think we were ever forever, but I feel a large role was to show him a road to something free. I know I opened his heart to things he didn’t believe, though he is so capable and ready for it.
I consider who I’ve become. I may be a suit to try on and grow out of. I am excellent at opening eyes and being of servitude, but I seem to always find a wall of discontent in a partner. I feel so immensely powerful in my independence, I wonder is the company is worth the commitment?
Likely, it is my fear generating these delusions. However, there is always the possibility I thrive most in solitude. I hear my own thoughts clearer when I am alone. I miss the feeling of being loved, but I find a way to be fulfilled. Where are my priorities?
Side B of the record and I realize I need to relax. The morning hours are creeping in and my mind is swirling. I haven’t cum and I feel lost and at peace with myself. Who I am? Who are you? What am I to you? Tell me darling, true.
I smoke my cigarette in solitude in the cold. My tennis shoes half slipped on, uncomfortable on my heels which haven’t slipped into their correct position. Security cameras loom at every corner of the house unable to find a corner of peace and quiet. Neighbors still stroll the cul-de-sac into the evening and glare with judging eyes as I taint their suburban dreams with my unclean habit. How dare I shatter the reality they’ve worked so hard to seclude themselves in!
I suck down my smoke, unsettled by my surroundings – a cage which should offer solace instead is boxing me in. Goose bumps coat my arms from the chill of the night, I close up the house behind me, locking up from the things they fear which may be looming. How unlikely anything unsatisfactory would intrude. A pseudo protection for peace of mind from the walls which were so intently built. Control the ultimate goal.
The cat greets me at the door. Weaving through my legs to coerce affection. I pause to offer it, feeling empty yet willing to abide by his demand. I return to my stool at the counter, isolated and surrounded, a quite discomforting combination. I notice my desire to enjoy company is easily contorted into an insatiable need to be alone.
My journal entry glares at me on the sheet of printer paper beneath my arms, a half truth edging its way to awareness in whichever form it can overtake. My dissatisfaction glaring at me, posing a challenge. Two sides of myself again at dichotomy with each other, unable to live in harmony. I am again interrupted with movement from the house. Solitude a quite unlikely phenomenon for long.
I draw the corners of my lips into a contorted smile as I succumb to participate. My role unfolding abruptly, I feel inclined to obey.
I’ve been staring at the ceiling and scratching my head. Weighing options of whose number to dial…who I can I lean on that won’t make me feel so spent? I scroll through old conversations, picking out the ones which may be self serving in my current condition.
Repeatedly, each person I linger on falls short even in my imagination. Worse even, the conversations which upheave too much. The rawness of my thoughts sticking in my own throat as I try to digest them. I lie (e)motionless on my back.
Memories populate stirring the pot. An internal debate festers at the surface forcing my mind into blankness in order to recalibrate. I’ve been here so many times before, immediately shutting out and shutting down. No matter how many ways I shape it, I draw the same conclusions. Each time I find myself here I wonder does it ever shift internally? Am I moving the needle or will I always have to step back from the ledge?
I forget to breathe and get distracted. Tangents curve the tracks for my train of thought. My body manifesting a physical reaction to such weakness, heightening some senses by removing others. The darkness and the light inside of me doing their best to dance together, but snuffing each other out.
I realize nothing has changed around me as I drown in my own thoughts. Chaos I’m creating within as the rest of my environment stays quite the same. I question if the problem is that I watch my thoughts too closely, or that I forget to watch them all together.
It Christmas Eve and I’m laying in bed with Matthew and haven’t heard a word from anyone in the family (other than grandma and grandpa) for weeks. I’m a force fit into a kind group of people who empathize with the reality I’m facing. Basically, I’m a stray dog who found a bed to sleep in.
I think back to all of the holidays over my lifetime that I’ve been separated from my family. Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been gleefully smiling and buying gifts for people who aren’t my kin. Sharing cheap jokes at other people’s holiday tables while a part of me stays locked up, distant and removed. It seems I’ve always been willing to take the route of escape.
I tell myself I’m not letting my pride get the best of me with this current standoff. An icy battle between mom and I, both too stubborn and hard shelled to soften – even for a heart to heart. I just can’t bring myself to offer any gestures of reconciliation towards her. My disappointment in her detachment from reality too severe to waive the white flag. Every time I relive that night, the darkness overwhelms me. When I think about the sparse conversation we had following the event, I feel my vision darken and my lips purse. A bitter venom seep into my veins coercing a poisonous storyline to unravel.
Sometimes, when I settle into the reality, it is such an overwhelming sadness that I have to turn completely off. The immense instability which has stemmed from the abuse removing every positive cell in my body like a cancer. Even as I write it out, think about it, talk about it – I feel like some sort of self pitying martyr. It’s another punishment in itself.
I turn inward and ask myself how I can begin to heal. I’ve become an expert at shutting emotions off to maintain a functional life, something I’ve picked up from mother without a doubt. My passion to be warmer towards myself and others pushes me to share my feelings, but listening ears tend to turn away once they’ve expressed their moment of sympathy.
I’m stuck in this dark room by myself. A fortress of anxiety at every corner and I’m too paralyzed with sadness to find my way to the exit. Time heals all wounds, but it seems to me that beneath the healed skin, their infection continues to fester.
Time bends and twists blurring the lines of reality and dreams. The violence, the vibrancy, the visceral explosion like a stormy tide. Your tenderness my only solace, a bright light at the end of a thin line.
How is it that I again find myself lost? Please stay by my side until my mind returns. The darkness that comes for me, it never stops to burn.
Task after task I bury it deep. My thoughts stall like an engine, going nowhere fast no matter how many times you turn the key.
When I’m with you it’s the only time I can see me. How can you bear that burden? A cloak of shame I hide behind pretty little things.
My bleeding heart drags, daggers that dig at you as hard as they dig at me. I’ll try my best not to hide when they dig in two times too deep.
Loving me is no easy feat. Please keep my tender soul under your safe keep.